Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Tales of a messed up existance Part II

My uncle hit the lottery when I was 10 years old. Walking away with a few million he and my two cousins moved out of the projects in Brooklyn and into a huge house in West Bubble-fudge. Once he moved out there he got a crack-head. While spending time in jail for drunk-driving, his crack-head wife introduced one of my cousins to the drug and got my other cousin pistol whipped before kicking him out the house. From that point on she was queen of her own crack-castle, probably the nicest crack-house in America and the only one I know of to have its own landscapers. My Uncle later got out of jail, divorced this woman and presumably got an exterminator to rid the house of all its crack-head pests. With that he turned the house over to my family.

Moving out to suburbia was not an easy transition for me. I was used to trains, hanging out in the park and random acts of violence being available right outside my door. I was not prepared for crickets, starlit skies and strip-malls. One weekend shortly after moving to Bubble-fudge, me and cousin `pistol whipped' were on our way to catch the bus. Bopping our heads to the music blasting out of my cousin`s radio we unknowingly cut through a police precinct parking lot..while sipping on our 40oz malt liquor bottles. Seemingly out of nowhere an officer blocks our path and asks for ID. Figuring that he just wanted to make sure that we were of drinking age, I proudly showed him my recently christened ID that displayed my 21 year old birthday, and took a swig of my beer. He immediately confiscated our beer and ushered us into the police station. I was pretty ignorant to the idea that drinking in public was prohibited. In my old neighborhood we drank on the corner, at the park and on the trains. It didn`t seem like it was illegal, it felt practically encouraged. I had no idea that things worked very differently in West Bubble-fudge.

We say on a holding bench in the precinct while the arresting officer did the paperwork all the while my 21 year old intoxicated mind was working itself up into a fury over the indignity of having my drink taken and us being issued a summons.

`This is uncles a haven`t heard the last of this`

The officer continued with his paperwork barely acknowledging me with a grunt.
You think you can do this and get away with this..this aint right` I continued.

I look over to my right and see my cousin and a handcuffed perp both shaking there heads. Looked like encouragement at the time.

`You know what..this is why people..` And I was going to say shoot cops. But something..a slight sliver of common sense, a thin iota of maturity took control of my mouth and changed the words that were about to fall out.

`..dont like you`

`THAT`S IT!!!! NOW I`ve HAD IT` The guy who was being held on I`m sure a more serious charge than drinking shook his head saying `You done did it now`
Slamming his hand on the desk the officer jumped up and handcuffed both me and my cousin to the wall.

`If I hear another word from you, you`ll be locked up for a month!` he growled.

It was all sirs and thank yous from that point on out of me.

A month later Im walking around the rough side of West Bubble-fudge trying to score some weed. When I turn the corner I see a lovely young lady in skin tight daisy duke shorts and a half shirt casually strolling down the street. Already an expert in the hooker walk, I couldn`t just continue my weed pursuit without at least trying to get a back alley blow-job while the stench of urine wafts about us.

`Hey..whats up` I say

`Whats up with you baby? Time is money` She replies

`Ummm ok..can we do something?`

`Well what do you want?`

`Umm…a blowjob?` I stammer.

`Well how much you paying me?` She responds.

`40 dollars?` I asked.

`Fine..make a left at the corner and go up the street. I`ll meet you there`

I walk around the corner while she trails behind me. As soon as I get on the block I`m approached by two uniformed officers who arrest me on the spot for solicitation of prostitution. Ten minutes later Im back in the same precinct being interviewed by the same cop albeit this time for a different charge. After dispensing with the pleasantries he told me that bail was set at 100 dollars and if I had that I could be released on my own recognizes. Lucky for me I had 99 dollars and a buck in change which saved me the humilation of having to call my mother to bail her son out of jail on a hooker charge.

I managed to make it to my first court date with regards to the public consumption of alcohol. After paying a small fine I was able to put that case behind me and worry about the upcoming court date for my most recent and proudest charge. My cousin had his original court date postponed which coincidentally fell on my subsequent court date. When the time actually came, I had a very important job interview in the city and decided to skip court and just deal with the consequences later. My cousin had surgery on that day and had my alcoholic, crack-head marrying Uncle come to court to inform the judge. I later found out that when my cousin`s case was called, my Uncle approached the bench and without a hint of reservation as is so often found in an alcoholic, pleaded his son`s case and mine as well since he knew we were both caught together. The judge agreed to drop the charges for both of us. My Uncle stumbled back to his seat to await his own docket number being called stemming from a different drunk driving charge he was facing. After a lunch break the judge resumed calling case numbers and came upon mine for the solicitation charge. After calling my name and with no one answering he was about to issue a warrant for my arrest when my Uncle drunkenly stormed the bench and unleashed a tirade saying that the judge promised to drop the charges for both my cousin and myself.

Alternately looking at my drunken Uncle and the prostitution change the judge slowly asked `I agreed to drop this??`

`Yesssssir urrrr honor` my uncle affirmed.

`So be dismissed` And with just that bit of indifference, my arrest was expunged and my record wiped clean.


Anonymous Charles said...

In 7 years as a lawyer I haven't handled one case as well as your uncle did.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006 11:36:00 AM  

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