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Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Open letter to my newborn son

Seeing you come into the world was the most amazing experience I have ever lived through. That one instance encapsulated so many dreams and hopes that I have for you and for the future.

I hope that big head of yours rounds out. Right now you are looking like Stewey from Family Guy, and that's not a good look to start off life with.

I hope your mother’s vagina snaps back into place. Really, at one point it was like a game in the delivery room of "guess what we WON'T put up her coochie?" Hooks, tubes, fists, suction devices...a list of things that make me feel even more inadequate in the bed. Then your big head gets wrenched from out of there followed by a massive trail of cellular shit. Welcome to the world kid...BUT LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY VAGINA!!

Speaking of which, I'm hoping YOU like vaginas. Now if you like penises I'll love you just the same. It’s just always been my dream to go to a strip club in the Bronx with my son on his 21st Birthday and get lap dances side by side...together. Keep that dream alive son.

I hope child support never becomes an issue. I'm just not good with court dates.

I hope you don’t grow up and try some Menendez brothers crap with me. Yes, I know you're black...shit like that usually doesnt happen with us. Except in the case of Marvin Gaye...and the FATHER lived. Remember that.

Most importantly I hope I become a father you are proud of. I'm not going to get it right all the time and I know you won't either. Just work with me kid...I know I can find a "dummies' book somewhere for this shit.


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